Dhoni blames Shahrukh Khan for Loss

On October 20, 2016, India lost to New Zealand by 6 runs.
On October 19, 1995, Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge released.
On October 19, 2016, Shahrukh Khan celebrated DDLJ’s 21st anniversary.
On October 20, 2016, DDLJ played on all channels of Indian Televeision.

Dhoni Angry at SRK
Dhoni Angry at SRK

MS Dhoni and Kedar Jadhav were almost on the route to taking India to victory, but why did he have to come to that? India got New Zealand all out for meager totla of 242 and had to chase down 243 to win. This wasn’t a mammoth task for a team that prides in its batting prowess. However, the timing of the game was all wrong, according to Dhoni. India kept losing wickets during the run-chase.

DDLJ
DDLJ

Dhoni points out, that the Indian batsmen returned back to the pavilion one by one in quick succession because of Shahrukh Khan. Apparently, the TV in the dressing room was playing Dilwale Dulhaniye Le Jaayenge. The entire Indian team is a fan of Shahrukh Khan and DDLJ. Which is the reason, why they all rushed back to the dressing room. No batsman wanted to miss Amrish Puri’s brutal eyes, Kajol over-acting and screeching babuji babuji and Srk stuttering like Qutubuddin, the local goat of Multan who was castrated by Inzamam.

The Indian Captain, MS Dhoni expressed his displeasure at Shahrukh Khan and asked SRK to stay away from the remaining ODI matches. He also has requested certain TV channels to air Shahrukh’s movies at different times than when India goes out on the circular field.

SRGay
SRGay

Shahrukh Khan remained unavailable for comment.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K Saath, Indus News, Karachi.

JUSTICE FOR QUTUBUDDIN – The Castrated Local Goat

A few days ago, Rowdy Cricket had reported that Inzamam Ul-Haq castrated a local goat in Multan, named Qutubuddin. Now, there is a large population of goats in the Peshawar-Multan area who are extremely angry at the way Qutubuddin’s nuts were cracked open with a butcher knife by Inzamam.

Goats in Peshawar participate in Peace Rally to protest against Inzamam and his atrocious act of castrating goat Qutubuddin from Multan.
Goats in Peshawar participate in Peace Rally to protest against Inzamam and his atrocious act of castrating goat Qutubuddin from Multan.

The goats want justice for their fallen brother Qutubuddin, who may not be a brother anymore, coz you know, he got castrated. Qutubuddin the goat is being missed by his cousins, family and friends. The entire Mutton community has come together to mourn the loss of their dear friend, local goat Qutubuddin. Inzamam, oblivious to the fact that somewhere Qutubuddin’s scrotum is being digested by his bodily enzymes is selecting the team for Pakistan’s next cricket match against the West Indies. The Goats of Pakistan are participating in rallies and Peace protests all around Pakistan to bring justice to Qutubuddin and punish Inzamam Ul-Haq the nutcracker.

Goats participate in a peaceful protest against Inzamam Ul-Haq
Goats participate in a peaceful protest against Inzamam Ul-Haq

“His catastrophic castration is a sign of worry in the goat community. We want to serve humanity by featuring in their kebabs and Biryanis, but we do it on our own terms. Nobody, should be able to castrate one of our brothers out in the open”, says Maqbool Ahmed a distant cousin of local goat Qutubuddin. Maqbool and his family have declined their consent for being butchered to make Biryani.

Maqbool mourns the loss of his cousin, Qutubuddin
Maqbool mourns the loss of his cousin, Qutubuddin

As a result, Biryani-wallahs all around Pakistan have been deeply affected, both financially and emotionally. Many Biryani makers have offered support to the goats to carry out nation-wide protests and rally against Inzamam Ul-Haq. Some Biryani wala’s have insisted Inzamam be sent to Jail. “He owes a lot of money to us. He hasn’t paid for the last 51 orders of Biryani that he ordered from us. I am all for the goats and their protest.” says Ahmed bhai Biryani wala.

Ahmed Bhai Biryani wala
Ahmed Bhai Biryani wala

On the other hand, there are Butchers and Kasai from Qasai mohalla in Rawalpindi who are also against Inzamam in this situation. “Agar Inzi bhai khud gote kaatne lagenge to hum kya karengay? Humara to dhanda down ho gaya hai. Inshallah Inzi bhai ko saza honi hi chahiye” says Haneef Mohammad, ex-cricketer and now a chai-wala + Butcher at Qasai Mohalla. 

Imran Khan, Rashid Latif, Ramiz Raja and several others have offered condolences on the death of Qutubuddin, the local goat. While Amir Sohail, Wasim Akram and Shahid Afridi have lent their support for Inzamam. “Anyone who wants to eat a goat’s testicles should be allowed to do so, why do we care about a local goat from Multan. These goats should be slaughtered. I think the goats have been payed by Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to disrupt Pakistan’s peace.” said Aamer Sohail, supporting his fat friend Inzamam Ul-Haq.

Where do you stand? Do you support the goats’ protest against Inzamam? Comment with a Baaaaaa to show your support. Or comment with a ‘Burp’ to show support for Inzi bhai.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Kohli launches AUTO-Biography – “DRIVEN”

Virat Kohli has been in terrific form of late. And by of-late I mean, since he was born. Some low-life wanna be writer has written a book on Anushka Sharma’s boyfriend and it has been released today. The book is titled “DRIVEN” and is an Auto-Biography. So by all means, we can bet that this book is about cars, bikes and driving. 

As an AUTO-biography we asked Virat why there was no mention of Autorikshaws in the book. To which he gave our boy in-house Rowdy Cricket journalist Maganlal Chikkiwala a death-stare. As the title speaks for itself, the content of the book is very “Driven”. Expect lots of information and knowledge about Cars, Tires, Bikes, Motorcycles SUV’s, sports-cars and much more. 
We wonder why Virat invited former cricketers to launch his book, and what connection Virat has with being on the book cover. If the book is about Driving, what does Virat have to do on the front cover of it? Sehwag, Kapil Dev, Kavi Shastri, Anil Kumble and many more were present for the launch of this book. 

We’re still unsure what the book  has to do with Cricket, but oh well, they can do whatever they want to do man. Lets hope I get some important information from the book about buying my next car.

Cameraman KAmil Yusuf ksaath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Sehwag eats Leftover cake on Birthday

RowdyCricket would like to wish Virender Sehwag a very happy birthday. By now, #HappyBirthdayViru is already trending on twitter. The former Indian opening batsman was a destructive force in the batting line-up and bowlers still have nightmares with memories of Viru smashing them all around the ground. Sehwag known for his quick wits and chilled out nature is now smashing it on Twitter.
Sehwag has been showered by Birthday wishes by former and current teammates, as well as fans on twitter today, but the most important one comes from none other than the legend, Tendlya.

As you can see, Sachin called Sehwag “Lala” which is a derogatory term fans use for Shahid Afridi. We don’t care, Sachin is God, and The Lord can say whatever the fuck he wants. There might also be hints of Sehwag having diabetes, since Tendlya called him “sweetest man”.

Usually, its Viru dishing out the funny insulting birthday wishes to other players and former cricketers. But today is his day. So far, this tweet is the most damaging one. We’ll have to wait and watch what Shoaibh Akhtar has to say to Viru, since Viru had made his birthday special with a funny hashtag. 

Now, some behind the scenes wala news is hitting up our boardroom. It is being said that Sehwag does not want to celebrate his Birthday. He doesn’t even want a cake. In fact, he has been licking and eating the cake that was left over from Kumble’s birthday a couple of days ago. Remember, when Kumble had a huge cake for his birthday and spent the day in the toilet. It seems Sehwag had saved some crumbs from Kumble’s birthday and is feasting on the same. We hope Viru doesn’t face the same fate as Kumble did.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Ravindra Jadeja celebrates Karwa Chauth on Twitter

Sir Ravindra Jadeja, the perennial useless boy of Indian Cricket is known to be quite active on twitter. Today, on Karwa Chauth evening, he expressed his views on twitter. Aparently, Jadeja’s wife wasn’t ready to do Karwa Chauth for him. She does not want him to be her husband in 7 janams. Hell, she doesn’t even want him for 7 years in this life. Anyway, Ravindra Jadeja took his frustrations out on twitter and went on quite a rant.

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See for yourself, the tweets Jadeja has been posting point to the fact that he has no idea what the fuck is going on in this world anymore. He’s been irrational and ridiculously childish. His immaturity has hit a new low, as his twitter rants show signs of eccentricity and schizophrenia. We hope he recovers from the mental illness soon.

We tried to reach out to Ravindra Jadeja’s daddy, Ajay Jadeja who again declined to comment on the matter. Ajay Jadeja insisted that he is not the father of Ravindra Jadeja. He flipped his shit when we asked him if he had disowned poor old Ravindra because of his mental illness of being a certified chutiya. Only a father knows the emotional value of his son in such difficult times. We wish Ravindra Jadeja’s wife all the best. If she’s feeling lonely, she can reach out to Rowdy Cricket for company, any time, day or night, preferably, night.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Raina out of 2nd ODI vs NZ, due to The Viral Fever (TVF)

Reference: http://www.espncricinfo.com/india-v-new-zealand-2016-17/content/story/1062195.html

Last week, just hours before the First ODI between India and New Zealand, we at Rowdy Sports informed you how Suresh Raina faked his fever by holding an Onion in his armpits.  Well, turns out, Raina is actually really really sick.

Raina loves Onion

Raina has been in the ODI squad against New Zealand but has spent most of his time in the dressing room. To stay out of the playing field and scorching October heat, Raina did what he could to raise his body temperature. Holding an onion up his armpits was the best decision to get support staff thinking he has fever. However, now it seems Raina’s fake fever has turned into real fever.

The news out of the Indian camp is that Raina has been hit with a case of the Viral Fever. He is ruled out of the ODI and will spend more time in the dressing room with The Viral Fever Youtube Channel guys to shoot a short skit. Raina’s twitter account is proof, that he is a fan of singing and comedy. Remember, when he faked his nephew tweeting to the Pakistan team to GTFO out of India?

Suresh Raina hit with The Viral Fever
Suresh Raina hit with The Viral Fever

Anyway, now that Raina is venturing into the YouTube comedy world by associating with The Viral Fever (TVF), it seems we could see him on our phones and computers more than the TV. We at Rowdy Cricket wish him all the best in his new direction in life of being a YouTube comedian.

Andrew Symonds pours Beer over Michael Clarke

Andrew Symonds the perennial monkey of International Cricket is back at it again. After his infamous sexy shorts incident, Symonds finds himself in another soup. Now retired, former Australian Captain Michael Clarke has recently released his autobiography, spilling lots of secrets and one glass of beer.

Clarke's autobiography
Clarke’s autobiography

Clarke’s book has quite a few startling revelations about his relationships with the players and officials he interacted with, during his illustrious career. One such incident includes Andrew Symonds and his many stints with Alcohol. Symonds was always known as an alcoholic and his attitude in the Australian dressing room was motivated by the high induced by his consumption of alcoholic beverages. He was also handed a one match ban when he turned up drunk to a match against Bangladesh in 2005.

Clarke points out this one incident when Symonds and Clarke were good buddies. Symmo got too wasted and drunk out of his minds. In presence of Brian Lata, he emptied an entire glass of beer on Clarke’s head, as a joke. Clarke never spoke to Symonds after that incident. Here’s an excerpt from the book.

Text from Clarke's bookSymonds has been quoted saying the following in Gujarati “Daru Peevanu and Fishing karvanu, Majja ni Life”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K Saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Birthday Boy Kumble Poops all day

October 17, 2016 marks Anil Kumble’s 46th birthday. Anil Kumble, the current head coach of India has had an illustrious career as a spin bowler. Kumble is a humble man, and loved by all cricketers he played with, except my grandfather, who never played with him, but hated him. While the world lovingly calls Kumble, Jumbo, my grandpa referred to Anil as The Hunchback of Notre dame.

The players and support staff of the Indian Cricket Team celebrated Jumbo’s birthday by ordering a Jumbo birthday cake for him. Our main man, Rowdy Cricket journalist Maganlal Chikkiwala has exclusive information, that the cake for Jumbo weighed 18pounds. Nobody knew where the cake came from but they found it at the hotel room that Kumble was staying in. Kumble, like a hungry jackal pounced on the cake and gobbled it up in a matter of seconds. His friends and family couldn’t even smear enough cake on Kumble, thus rendering Kumble’s birthday party a huge flop. Smearing of the cake is now a ritual and if not performed, the birthday party is considered a flop. To make sure your birthday party is a hit, smear the cake on your face.

Kumble has had memorable birthday parties before, like in this picture.

Anil Kumble

Where former Indian players didn’t allow him to eat the cake.

Now that the cake has been devoured by Anil, he has had quite a rough birthday. Since, the cake touched his stomach, Kumble has been feeling uneasy and has spend most of his time in the bathroom sending poop selfies to his close friends. Apparently, the cake was infused with Jamaal Gota, the famous Indian Laxative. Doctors have been informed but weren’t able to look after Kumble because of him being locked in the toilet all day. But our best guess is, Kumble has had a hit of the Dysentery or as they’re known in my household – Loose Motions.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K Saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Kohli promotes Anushka’s Film

Virat Kohli is in the golden period of his career. There is no stopping to his epic masterclass with the bat on a cricket pitch. He proved this once again, when he scored 85* not out in the chase against New Zealand. Although, an easy target, India seemed to lose the top order quickly but Kohli had to be the Fevicol of the batting line up.

 

When asked about his form and classy innings, Kohli chose to promote his Bae’s movie that’s coming out soon. Virat credited his form to Anushka’s positivity towards him and dedicated his knock to Anushka Sharma’s upcoming movie “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil”. Sanju Manju the presenter interviewed Virat on his connection with the fans and how the fans look up to him now, here’s Kohli’s reply – “Main kisiki zaroorat nahi, Khwahish banna chahta hoon”. This again, was a direct quote from the movie “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil” starring Anushka Sharma, Ranbir Kapoor and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan.

It’ll be interesting to see how Kohli performs in the next few One-Day International matches against New Zealand, as the schedule coincides with the buildup to the release of his bae’s film. We wish them all the best and hope they make cute little babies.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Rohit and Rahane Shower Together #SameSoap

In the ongoing ODI match between India and New Zealand. Rohit Sharma and Ajinkya Rahane started well in India’s second innings chase for NZ’s 191. New Zealand had lost early wickets but a brisk partnership between Tim Southee and Tom Latham meant NZ had a respectable total to defend against a strong batting line up.

Both Rohit and Rahane started well and India had a healthy partnership going. Then, Rohit Sharma got out for 14 from 26 after hitting a 4 and a 6. Ajinkya Rahane also got out quickly after. Rahane scored 33 off 34 and was looking good with 2 sixes and 4 fours.

Now, with inside information, we know for sure, that the HPCA Stadium in Dharamsala has only 1 bathroom per dressing room. Being a relatively new ground the dressing room infrastructure is still not upto the international standard. Since, both Rohit and Rahane got out so quickly, they had to share the shower time. Rohit was already in the shower with soap on his face when Rahane creeped in with a smirk on his tiny skinny face.
Rohit Rahane

 

Both the boys are from Mumbai, and it certainly may not be the first time that they must have shared a bathroom. But showering together with the same soap while being married isn’t what the fans would’ve expected of the openers. We wish their wives all the best.

Cameraman, Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Rohit Sharma FOUND!

After what seemed like hours of search operations to try and find the missing cricketer Rohit Sharma in Dharamsala, we can now breathe a sigh of relief. Rohit Sharma was deemed MISSING yesterday and there were doubts over his inclusion in the first ODI against New Zealand being played LIVE right now.

Rohit Sharma MISSING!

To the respite of viewers and followers of Rowdy Cricket, we would like to let everyone know that Rohit Sharma has been found. Apparently, Rohit had wandered off in a public restroom and was locked by local goons. He couldn’t call anyone with his new Panasonic Camera phone since he forgot to insert a sim card. However, after loud roars and knocks on the door a local civilian of Dharamsala, Himachal Pradesh opened the door to find Rohit sobbing and stuck in the bathroom.

However, Rohit is now found and safe. He is on the field has also taken a catch for the first wicket. It’ll be safe to say, Rohit won’t be wandering off into the abyss anytime soon. Let’s hope he cracks another double century today for India.

New Zealand 23/1 (3.5 ov)
Rohit Sharma
Rohit Sharma

Doctors advise Rahane, Dabur Shakti Prash

Ajinkya Rahane, fresh off his recent century in the test series against New Zealand is on a high. This high has been induced by his doctor’s recommendation to consume loads of Dabur Shakti Prash before going in to bat. Rahane who is physically skinny and appears smaller than rest of the athletes on the cricket field has his limitations. His smaller frame has often been compared to that of Vijay Raaz. Skinny Ajinkya

To counter this problem, Rahane has tried various powders, protein shakes, Dominos cheese-burst pizza and McDonald’s Maharaja Mac burger. However, nothing seemed to help him gain the mass or muscle. As an agile cricketer, he is quite active in the field. This agility impacted his stamina off the field. He could hit a sexy cover drive, but couldn’t maintain his sex-drive.

The controversial nature of Indian Cricket, had him twisting and tingling in bed without sleep or action. The turbanator Harbhya Singh took Rahane to a local doctor in Chhattisgarh who advised Rahane to consume loads of Dabur Shakti Prash.

Dabur Shakti Prash
Dabur Shakti Prash
DBSP
DBSP

This would enhance his strenghts on the field as well as  keep him hot and handy at night. We have yet to see the effects of the medication on Rahane’s performance in One Day International Day/Night games. But since the ODI series is soon to kick off against New Zealand, our curiosity shall be dealt with, sooner rather than later.

 

“Ravindra Jadeja is not my son” – Ajay Jadeja

Ajay Jadeja

After years of speculation and rumors, Ajay Jadeja has finally come out and cleared the air. Ajay Jadeja, who was India’s strongest middle order batsman in ODI’s during the attitude era of Indian Cricket, is tired of the gossip and false allegations. Ajay was famous for being a dashing cricketer with a finisher tag. His adventures in the film industry and Celina Jaitley are well documented. Recently, Ajay has taken up commentary duties and was asked by a fan while on the mic about his relationship with Ravindra Jadeja.

ravindra_jadeja
Ravindra Jadeja, the useless boy

Ravindra Jadeja, has always been a useless boy and is in the team because of his stupid antics in the dressing room. He’s like a clown, who murders sanity and rational thought. Ajay Jadeja has denied having anything to do with Ravindra Jadeja. He has gone on record and said the following during the post game highlights package-

“I’m sick and tired of people asking me if I am Ravindra Jadeja’s father. Clearly, I’m not. One, he is far too ugly to be my son. Two, I was a much better cricketer than he ever is or will be. I don’t understand why people like to link our names just because we have similar last names. It baffles me at the thought that I could be anything but related to this piece of shit being known as ravindra. RAVINDRA JADEJA IS NOT MY SON! Damnit”

Ajay stormed out of the media box after expertly commentating on the situation, never to be seen again.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News Karachi.

Suresh Raina holds Onions in Armpits

Suresh Raina, the flamboyant left handed batsman has been out of the Indian cricket team for a while now. He was selected in the Indian squad against New Zealand and was supposed to be drafted in the playing 11 on October 16, the first ODI – India vs New Zealand. However, that may not happen as Suresh Raina has come under a heavy attack of the Viral Fevers, bro.

Raina, known to be one of the lazier cricketers in the Indian contingent has been putting on kilos which the other team members seem to lose. Kohli has lost 12kgs since 2013, while Jadeja, Shami, Dhoni and Rohit Sharma have each lost a few kilos to maintain their fitness. Raina has been munching on them batata vadas and chhole bhature while the rest of the squad feasts on ghaas-phoos.

Suresh has now reached a new level of laziness. He got a call from the returning captain for the ODI’s humaar Mahiya MS Dhoni about his inclusion in the playing XI. However, Raina wanted to chill in the air-conditioned dressing room while the rest of the team burns their asses in the October heat. As a quick-smart solution, Raina help up a large fresh onion costing Rs. 96 under his armpit. He held the onion long enough for his body temperature to rise enough for the support staff to think he had a fever.

Raina loves Onion

Suresh Raina, thus, will not feature in the playing XI on October 16, Sunday’s first ODI vs New Zealand. No wonder, nobody’s talking about the rates of Onions now-a-days. People are shoving Onions up their arm-pits.

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In reference to:
http://www.espncricinfo.com/india-v-new-zealand-2016-17/content/story/1061529.html