JUSTICE FOR QUTUBUDDIN – The Castrated Local Goat

A few days ago, Rowdy Cricket had reported that Inzamam Ul-Haq castrated a local goat in Multan, named Qutubuddin. Now, there is a large population of goats in the Peshawar-Multan area who are extremely angry at the way Qutubuddin’s nuts were cracked open with a butcher knife by Inzamam.

Goats in Peshawar participate in Peace Rally to protest against Inzamam and his atrocious act of castrating goat Qutubuddin from Multan.
Goats in Peshawar participate in Peace Rally to protest against Inzamam and his atrocious act of castrating goat Qutubuddin from Multan.

The goats want justice for their fallen brother Qutubuddin, who may not be a brother anymore, coz you know, he got castrated. Qutubuddin the goat is being missed by his cousins, family and friends. The entire Mutton community has come together to mourn the loss of their dear friend, local goat Qutubuddin. Inzamam, oblivious to the fact that somewhere Qutubuddin’s scrotum is being digested by his bodily enzymes is selecting the team for Pakistan’s next cricket match against the West Indies. The Goats of Pakistan are participating in rallies and Peace protests all around Pakistan to bring justice to Qutubuddin and punish Inzamam Ul-Haq the nutcracker.

Goats participate in a peaceful protest against Inzamam Ul-Haq
Goats participate in a peaceful protest against Inzamam Ul-Haq

“His catastrophic castration is a sign of worry in the goat community. We want to serve humanity by featuring in their kebabs and Biryanis, but we do it on our own terms. Nobody, should be able to castrate one of our brothers out in the open”, says Maqbool Ahmed a distant cousin of local goat Qutubuddin. Maqbool and his family have declined their consent for being butchered to make Biryani.

Maqbool mourns the loss of his cousin, Qutubuddin
Maqbool mourns the loss of his cousin, Qutubuddin

As a result, Biryani-wallahs all around Pakistan have been deeply affected, both financially and emotionally. Many Biryani makers have offered support to the goats to carry out nation-wide protests and rally against Inzamam Ul-Haq. Some Biryani wala’s have insisted Inzamam be sent to Jail. “He owes a lot of money to us. He hasn’t paid for the last 51 orders of Biryani that he ordered from us. I am all for the goats and their protest.” says Ahmed bhai Biryani wala.

Ahmed Bhai Biryani wala
Ahmed Bhai Biryani wala

On the other hand, there are Butchers and Kasai from Qasai mohalla in Rawalpindi who are also against Inzamam in this situation. “Agar Inzi bhai khud gote kaatne lagenge to hum kya karengay? Humara to dhanda down ho gaya hai. Inshallah Inzi bhai ko saza honi hi chahiye” says Haneef Mohammad, ex-cricketer and now a chai-wala + Butcher at Qasai Mohalla. 

Imran Khan, Rashid Latif, Ramiz Raja and several others have offered condolences on the death of Qutubuddin, the local goat. While Amir Sohail, Wasim Akram and Shahid Afridi have lent their support for Inzamam. “Anyone who wants to eat a goat’s testicles should be allowed to do so, why do we care about a local goat from Multan. These goats should be slaughtered. I think the goats have been payed by Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to disrupt Pakistan’s peace.” said Aamer Sohail, supporting his fat friend Inzamam Ul-Haq.

Where do you stand? Do you support the goats’ protest against Inzamam? Comment with a Baaaaaa to show your support. Or comment with a ‘Burp’ to show support for Inzi bhai.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Kohli launches AUTO-Biography – “DRIVEN”

Virat Kohli has been in terrific form of late. And by of-late I mean, since he was born. Some low-life wanna be writer has written a book on Anushka Sharma’s boyfriend and it has been released today. The book is titled “DRIVEN” and is an Auto-Biography. So by all means, we can bet that this book is about cars, bikes and driving. 

As an AUTO-biography we asked Virat why there was no mention of Autorikshaws in the book. To which he gave our boy in-house Rowdy Cricket journalist Maganlal Chikkiwala a death-stare. As the title speaks for itself, the content of the book is very “Driven”. Expect lots of information and knowledge about Cars, Tires, Bikes, Motorcycles SUV’s, sports-cars and much more. 
We wonder why Virat invited former cricketers to launch his book, and what connection Virat has with being on the book cover. If the book is about Driving, what does Virat have to do on the front cover of it? Sehwag, Kapil Dev, Kavi Shastri, Anil Kumble and many more were present for the launch of this book. 

We’re still unsure what the book  has to do with Cricket, but oh well, they can do whatever they want to do man. Lets hope I get some important information from the book about buying my next car.

Cameraman KAmil Yusuf ksaath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Sehwag eats Leftover cake on Birthday

RowdyCricket would like to wish Virender Sehwag a very happy birthday. By now, #HappyBirthdayViru is already trending on twitter. The former Indian opening batsman was a destructive force in the batting line-up and bowlers still have nightmares with memories of Viru smashing them all around the ground. Sehwag known for his quick wits and chilled out nature is now smashing it on Twitter.
Sehwag has been showered by Birthday wishes by former and current teammates, as well as fans on twitter today, but the most important one comes from none other than the legend, Tendlya.

As you can see, Sachin called Sehwag “Lala” which is a derogatory term fans use for Shahid Afridi. We don’t care, Sachin is God, and The Lord can say whatever the fuck he wants. There might also be hints of Sehwag having diabetes, since Tendlya called him “sweetest man”.

Usually, its Viru dishing out the funny insulting birthday wishes to other players and former cricketers. But today is his day. So far, this tweet is the most damaging one. We’ll have to wait and watch what Shoaibh Akhtar has to say to Viru, since Viru had made his birthday special with a funny hashtag. 

Now, some behind the scenes wala news is hitting up our boardroom. It is being said that Sehwag does not want to celebrate his Birthday. He doesn’t even want a cake. In fact, he has been licking and eating the cake that was left over from Kumble’s birthday a couple of days ago. Remember, when Kumble had a huge cake for his birthday and spent the day in the toilet. It seems Sehwag had saved some crumbs from Kumble’s birthday and is feasting on the same. We hope Viru doesn’t face the same fate as Kumble did.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Ravindra Jadeja celebrates Karwa Chauth on Twitter

Sir Ravindra Jadeja, the perennial useless boy of Indian Cricket is known to be quite active on twitter. Today, on Karwa Chauth evening, he expressed his views on twitter. Aparently, Jadeja’s wife wasn’t ready to do Karwa Chauth for him. She does not want him to be her husband in 7 janams. Hell, she doesn’t even want him for 7 years in this life. Anyway, Ravindra Jadeja took his frustrations out on twitter and went on quite a rant.

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See for yourself, the tweets Jadeja has been posting point to the fact that he has no idea what the fuck is going on in this world anymore. He’s been irrational and ridiculously childish. His immaturity has hit a new low, as his twitter rants show signs of eccentricity and schizophrenia. We hope he recovers from the mental illness soon.

We tried to reach out to Ravindra Jadeja’s daddy, Ajay Jadeja who again declined to comment on the matter. Ajay Jadeja insisted that he is not the father of Ravindra Jadeja. He flipped his shit when we asked him if he had disowned poor old Ravindra because of his mental illness of being a certified chutiya. Only a father knows the emotional value of his son in such difficult times. We wish Ravindra Jadeja’s wife all the best. If she’s feeling lonely, she can reach out to Rowdy Cricket for company, any time, day or night, preferably, night.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Raina out of 2nd ODI vs NZ, due to The Viral Fever (TVF)

Reference: http://www.espncricinfo.com/india-v-new-zealand-2016-17/content/story/1062195.html

Last week, just hours before the First ODI between India and New Zealand, we at Rowdy Sports informed you how Suresh Raina faked his fever by holding an Onion in his armpits.  Well, turns out, Raina is actually really really sick.

Raina loves Onion

Raina has been in the ODI squad against New Zealand but has spent most of his time in the dressing room. To stay out of the playing field and scorching October heat, Raina did what he could to raise his body temperature. Holding an onion up his armpits was the best decision to get support staff thinking he has fever. However, now it seems Raina’s fake fever has turned into real fever.

The news out of the Indian camp is that Raina has been hit with a case of the Viral Fever. He is ruled out of the ODI and will spend more time in the dressing room with The Viral Fever Youtube Channel guys to shoot a short skit. Raina’s twitter account is proof, that he is a fan of singing and comedy. Remember, when he faked his nephew tweeting to the Pakistan team to GTFO out of India?

Suresh Raina hit with The Viral Fever
Suresh Raina hit with The Viral Fever

Anyway, now that Raina is venturing into the YouTube comedy world by associating with The Viral Fever (TVF), it seems we could see him on our phones and computers more than the TV. We at Rowdy Cricket wish him all the best in his new direction in life of being a YouTube comedian.

Shoaibh Akhtar ruptures Space-Time continuum

161.3 Kmph is the fastest ball ever delivered in an international cricket match. The man who achieved this feat is none other than the former Pakistani Cricketer, Shoaibh Akhtar. Attached is a video of the ball being delivered.

This was over quite a few years ago, however, Shoaibh Akhtar can still bowl really fast. At this age, after retirement too,

Akhtar Bowling
Akhtar Bowling

Akhtar has been practicing fast bowling in his hometown in Rawalpindi. Shoaibh practices cricket with Kindergarten and School girls in Rawalpindi who are terrified of his pace.
If reports are to be believed, Akhtar has recently delivered a ball, faster than the speed of light. Akhtar bowled the ball so fast, that it breached the space-time continuum and time-traveled as soon as it left his hand. The ball was delivered so fast, that as soon as it left his hand it disappeared. Within a fraction of a millisecond, the ball which was supposed to reach the other end of the pitch, did not reach there. With this delivery, Akhtar broke the speed of light and effected time-travel, which caused the ball to travel back in time and material space to hit Akhtar on the back of his own head.

Shoaibh being hit by his own ball which he delivered, breaking the time-space continuum
Shoaibh being hit by his own ball which he delivered, breaking the time-space continuum

Shoaibh bowled a delivery so fast, that it traveled back in time and hit him on his own head. As a result, Akhtar was taken to a nearby hakim for checkup, but was released soon after because the injury was very minor.

Akhtar stunned after being struck
Akhtar stunned after being struck

Both, the ball and Akhtar are now stationed at Kahuta Khan Research Laboratories where Pakistan’s famous Nuclear Physicist and Metallurgy expert, Dr. Abdul Qadir Khan is observing and questioning Akhtat’s abilities.

There are reports of Pakistan using Shoaibh Akhtar as a weapon and might place him on the LOC border along India. He might be given hand grenades in case of war to throw as fast as he can. But wouldn’t that be ass-backwards since the grenade would also rupture the time-space continuum and travel back to Pakistan causing injuries and blasts? We’ll leave the decision upto Dr. AQ Khan.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K Saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.