JUSTICE FOR QUTUBUDDIN – The Castrated Local Goat

A few days ago, Rowdy Cricket had reported that Inzamam Ul-Haq castrated a local goat in Multan, named Qutubuddin. Now, there is a large population of goats in the Peshawar-Multan area who are extremely angry at the way Qutubuddin’s nuts were cracked open with a butcher knife by Inzamam.

Goats in Peshawar participate in Peace Rally to protest against Inzamam and his atrocious act of castrating goat Qutubuddin from Multan.
Goats in Peshawar participate in Peace Rally to protest against Inzamam and his atrocious act of castrating goat Qutubuddin from Multan.

The goats want justice for their fallen brother Qutubuddin, who may not be a brother anymore, coz you know, he got castrated. Qutubuddin the goat is being missed by his cousins, family and friends. The entire Mutton community has come together to mourn the loss of their dear friend, local goat Qutubuddin. Inzamam, oblivious to the fact that somewhere Qutubuddin’s scrotum is being digested by his bodily enzymes is selecting the team for Pakistan’s next cricket match against the West Indies. The Goats of Pakistan are participating in rallies and Peace protests all around Pakistan to bring justice to Qutubuddin and punish Inzamam Ul-Haq the nutcracker.

Goats participate in a peaceful protest against Inzamam Ul-Haq
Goats participate in a peaceful protest against Inzamam Ul-Haq

“His catastrophic castration is a sign of worry in the goat community. We want to serve humanity by featuring in their kebabs and Biryanis, but we do it on our own terms. Nobody, should be able to castrate one of our brothers out in the open”, says Maqbool Ahmed a distant cousin of local goat Qutubuddin. Maqbool and his family have declined their consent for being butchered to make Biryani.

Maqbool mourns the loss of his cousin, Qutubuddin
Maqbool mourns the loss of his cousin, Qutubuddin

As a result, Biryani-wallahs all around Pakistan have been deeply affected, both financially and emotionally. Many Biryani makers have offered support to the goats to carry out nation-wide protests and rally against Inzamam Ul-Haq. Some Biryani wala’s have insisted Inzamam be sent to Jail. “He owes a lot of money to us. He hasn’t paid for the last 51 orders of Biryani that he ordered from us. I am all for the goats and their protest.” says Ahmed bhai Biryani wala.

Ahmed Bhai Biryani wala
Ahmed Bhai Biryani wala

On the other hand, there are Butchers and Kasai from Qasai mohalla in Rawalpindi who are also against Inzamam in this situation. “Agar Inzi bhai khud gote kaatne lagenge to hum kya karengay? Humara to dhanda down ho gaya hai. Inshallah Inzi bhai ko saza honi hi chahiye” says Haneef Mohammad, ex-cricketer and now a chai-wala + Butcher at Qasai Mohalla. 

Imran Khan, Rashid Latif, Ramiz Raja and several others have offered condolences on the death of Qutubuddin, the local goat. While Amir Sohail, Wasim Akram and Shahid Afridi have lent their support for Inzamam. “Anyone who wants to eat a goat’s testicles should be allowed to do so, why do we care about a local goat from Multan. These goats should be slaughtered. I think the goats have been payed by Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to disrupt Pakistan’s peace.” said Aamer Sohail, supporting his fat friend Inzamam Ul-Haq.

Where do you stand? Do you support the goats’ protest against Inzamam? Comment with a Baaaaaa to show your support. Or comment with a ‘Burp’ to show support for Inzi bhai.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

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Shoaibh Akhtar ruptures Space-Time continuum

161.3 Kmph is the fastest ball ever delivered in an international cricket match. The man who achieved this feat is none other than the former Pakistani Cricketer, Shoaibh Akhtar. Attached is a video of the ball being delivered.

This was over quite a few years ago, however, Shoaibh Akhtar can still bowl really fast. At this age, after retirement too,

Akhtar Bowling
Akhtar Bowling

Akhtar has been practicing fast bowling in his hometown in Rawalpindi. Shoaibh practices cricket with Kindergarten and School girls in Rawalpindi who are terrified of his pace.
If reports are to be believed, Akhtar has recently delivered a ball, faster than the speed of light. Akhtar bowled the ball so fast, that it breached the space-time continuum and time-traveled as soon as it left his hand. The ball was delivered so fast, that as soon as it left his hand it disappeared. Within a fraction of a millisecond, the ball which was supposed to reach the other end of the pitch, did not reach there. With this delivery, Akhtar broke the speed of light and effected time-travel, which caused the ball to travel back in time and material space to hit Akhtar on the back of his own head.

Shoaibh being hit by his own ball which he delivered, breaking the time-space continuum
Shoaibh being hit by his own ball which he delivered, breaking the time-space continuum

Shoaibh bowled a delivery so fast, that it traveled back in time and hit him on his own head. As a result, Akhtar was taken to a nearby hakim for checkup, but was released soon after because the injury was very minor.

Akhtar stunned after being struck
Akhtar stunned after being struck

Both, the ball and Akhtar are now stationed at Kahuta Khan Research Laboratories where Pakistan’s famous Nuclear Physicist and Metallurgy expert, Dr. Abdul Qadir Khan is observing and questioning Akhtat’s abilities.

There are reports of Pakistan using Shoaibh Akhtar as a weapon and might place him on the LOC border along India. He might be given hand grenades in case of war to throw as fast as he can. But wouldn’t that be ass-backwards since the grenade would also rupture the time-space continuum and travel back to Pakistan causing injuries and blasts? We’ll leave the decision upto Dr. AQ Khan.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K Saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Kohli promotes Anushka’s Film

Virat Kohli is in the golden period of his career. There is no stopping to his epic masterclass with the bat on a cricket pitch. He proved this once again, when he scored 85* not out in the chase against New Zealand. Although, an easy target, India seemed to lose the top order quickly but Kohli had to be the Fevicol of the batting line up.

 

When asked about his form and classy innings, Kohli chose to promote his Bae’s movie that’s coming out soon. Virat credited his form to Anushka’s positivity towards him and dedicated his knock to Anushka Sharma’s upcoming movie “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil”. Sanju Manju the presenter interviewed Virat on his connection with the fans and how the fans look up to him now, here’s Kohli’s reply – “Main kisiki zaroorat nahi, Khwahish banna chahta hoon”. This again, was a direct quote from the movie “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil” starring Anushka Sharma, Ranbir Kapoor and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan.

It’ll be interesting to see how Kohli performs in the next few One-Day International matches against New Zealand, as the schedule coincides with the buildup to the release of his bae’s film. We wish them all the best and hope they make cute little babies.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.