Shoaibh Akhtar ruptures Space-Time continuum

161.3 Kmph is the fastest ball ever delivered in an international cricket match. The man who achieved this feat is none other than the former Pakistani Cricketer, Shoaibh Akhtar. Attached is a video of the ball being delivered.

This was over quite a few years ago, however, Shoaibh Akhtar can still bowl really fast. At this age, after retirement too,

Akhtar Bowling
Akhtar Bowling

Akhtar has been practicing fast bowling in his hometown in Rawalpindi. Shoaibh practices cricket with Kindergarten and School girls in Rawalpindi who are terrified of his pace.
If reports are to be believed, Akhtar has recently delivered a ball, faster than the speed of light. Akhtar bowled the ball so fast, that it breached the space-time continuum and time-traveled as soon as it left his hand. The ball was delivered so fast, that as soon as it left his hand it disappeared. Within a fraction of a millisecond, the ball which was supposed to reach the other end of the pitch, did not reach there. With this delivery, Akhtar broke the speed of light and effected time-travel, which caused the ball to travel back in time and material space to hit Akhtar on the back of his own head.

Shoaibh being hit by his own ball which he delivered, breaking the time-space continuum
Shoaibh being hit by his own ball which he delivered, breaking the time-space continuum

Shoaibh bowled a delivery so fast, that it traveled back in time and hit him on his own head. As a result, Akhtar was taken to a nearby hakim for checkup, but was released soon after because the injury was very minor.

Akhtar stunned after being struck
Akhtar stunned after being struck

Both, the ball and Akhtar are now stationed at Kahuta Khan Research Laboratories where Pakistan’s famous Nuclear Physicist and Metallurgy expert, Dr. Abdul Qadir Khan is observing and questioning Akhtat’s abilities.

There are reports of Pakistan using Shoaibh Akhtar as a weapon and might place him on the LOC border along India. He might be given hand grenades in case of war to throw as fast as he can. But wouldn’t that be ass-backwards since the grenade would also rupture the time-space continuum and travel back to Pakistan causing injuries and blasts? We’ll leave the decision upto Dr. AQ Khan.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K Saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

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Alastair Cook can’t Cook at all

England’s Test Captain and cricketer Alastair Cook has a peculiar lastname. Cook has been a prolific run scorer and quite an average captain for his country England. England is known to steal things from all around the world, and have especially stolen a lot of things from India. Tea, Butter Chicken, Kohinoor Diamond, Gujarati Patels and the only thing we got back in return was Amy Jackson.

Cook cooking
Cook cooking

Alastair Cook trying to shine his country’s and his own lastname was a special guest head chef in a prison in Sheffield County. Cook was made to cook the entire meal for the inmates as punishment for the inmates. Now, Alastair Cook may have a last name spelling C-o-o-K but he sure as hell, cannot cook a meal to save his life.

Cook Cooking
Cook Cooking

Cook tried his best and was seen breaking eggs on his head, showering rice flakes down his throat and cutting raw meat and veggies. However, nobody knows exactly what he was trying to cook. Whatever it was that he cooked, the inmates seemed to enjoy it at first. However, 24 hours later, all the inmates at the prison were found lying on the ground with a stomach ache. Some of the prisoners also complained of being unconscious while unconscious.

Cook Cooking
Cook Cooking

Alastair Cook, couldn’t eat the food he cooked, himself. And took an early flight to Edgbaston as soon as possible. The England Cricket Board couldn’t be contacted for comment. But by what it looks like, Alastair Cook cannot Cook for shit. Also, Cook doesn’t seem to be bothered that he’s responsible for the annihilation of 79 prisoners of Sheffield County.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K Saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Birthday Boy Kumble Poops all day

October 17, 2016 marks Anil Kumble’s 46th birthday. Anil Kumble, the current head coach of India has had an illustrious career as a spin bowler. Kumble is a humble man, and loved by all cricketers he played with, except my grandfather, who never played with him, but hated him. While the world lovingly calls Kumble, Jumbo, my grandpa referred to Anil as The Hunchback of Notre dame.

The players and support staff of the Indian Cricket Team celebrated Jumbo’s birthday by ordering a Jumbo birthday cake for him. Our main man, Rowdy Cricket journalist Maganlal Chikkiwala has exclusive information, that the cake for Jumbo weighed 18pounds. Nobody knew where the cake came from but they found it at the hotel room that Kumble was staying in. Kumble, like a hungry jackal pounced on the cake and gobbled it up in a matter of seconds. His friends and family couldn’t even smear enough cake on Kumble, thus rendering Kumble’s birthday party a huge flop. Smearing of the cake is now a ritual and if not performed, the birthday party is considered a flop. To make sure your birthday party is a hit, smear the cake on your face.

Kumble has had memorable birthday parties before, like in this picture.

Anil Kumble

Where former Indian players didn’t allow him to eat the cake.

Now that the cake has been devoured by Anil, he has had quite a rough birthday. Since, the cake touched his stomach, Kumble has been feeling uneasy and has spend most of his time in the bathroom sending poop selfies to his close friends. Apparently, the cake was infused with Jamaal Gota, the famous Indian Laxative. Doctors have been informed but weren’t able to look after Kumble because of him being locked in the toilet all day. But our best guess is, Kumble has had a hit of the Dysentery or as they’re known in my household – Loose Motions.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K Saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Yuvraj Singh’s Brother’s Wife in BIGG BOSS 10!

India’s favorite and much hyped reality TV Show Bigg Boss kicked off its 10th season on Sunday, October 16. This year, the show’s format has changed from an all-celebrity contest to a mixed bag of contestants including the common people. One of the contestants selected to go on the show is Aakanksha Sharma.

Akanksha Sharma, with Bhai
Akanksha Sharma, with Bhai

Now, this name maybe unheard of to the masses, but you may have heard of famous Indian Cricketer Yuvraj Singh. What is the connection, between Aakanksha Sharma and Yuvraj Singh? If you watch the first episode of Bigg Boss 10, when Aakanksha Sharma was called on stage alongside Salman Khan for her introduction, she also namedropped Yuvraj Singh. Rowdy Cricket has got the exclusive scoop on this showbiz-cricketing connection, which has also raised Bhai Salman Khan’s eyebrows.

Yuvraj Singh with his brother Zorawar Singh
Yuvraj Singh with his brother Zorawar Singh

Yuvraj Singh, has a younger brother Zorawar Singh. Zorawar got married to Aakanksha Sharma in 2014. The couple remained together for 4months. Legally, they’re still married but Aakanksha wanted out of the marriage and has applied for divorce. The Divorce process is still ongoing while, Aakanksha is in the Bigg Boss house. Zorawar, it seems is quite a useless boy and Aakanksha had problems with her mother-in-law, Yuvraj’s Mother, Shabnam Singh.

Yuvraj Singh, with his mother, Shabnam Singh
Yuvraj Singh, with his mother, Shabnam Singh

In her own words, Aakanksha called Shabnam Singh ‘Evil’. It’ll be interesting to see what more we can learn about this superstar cricketer’s household from this loudmouth wanna-be Akanksha Singh, using the woman empowerment excuse to gain a fan-following and votes in the Bigg Boss house.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Kohli promotes Anushka’s Film

Virat Kohli is in the golden period of his career. There is no stopping to his epic masterclass with the bat on a cricket pitch. He proved this once again, when he scored 85* not out in the chase against New Zealand. Although, an easy target, India seemed to lose the top order quickly but Kohli had to be the Fevicol of the batting line up.

 

When asked about his form and classy innings, Kohli chose to promote his Bae’s movie that’s coming out soon. Virat credited his form to Anushka’s positivity towards him and dedicated his knock to Anushka Sharma’s upcoming movie “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil”. Sanju Manju the presenter interviewed Virat on his connection with the fans and how the fans look up to him now, here’s Kohli’s reply – “Main kisiki zaroorat nahi, Khwahish banna chahta hoon”. This again, was a direct quote from the movie “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil” starring Anushka Sharma, Ranbir Kapoor and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan.

It’ll be interesting to see how Kohli performs in the next few One-Day International matches against New Zealand, as the schedule coincides with the buildup to the release of his bae’s film. We wish them all the best and hope they make cute little babies.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf K saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Sreesanth’s secret to Six-Pack-Abs

Former Indian Cricketer Shanthakumaran Sreesanth, or ‘Chutiya’ as he was fondly known in the dressing room during his stint with the Indian Cricket Team is back in the Phews this week. Sreesanth has always been a useless boy. His bowling economy was always over 8 an over in test matches and humaar Mahiya Dhoni, was never a fan of the Kerala lad. Sreesanth is memorable for a couple of things in Indian Cricket’s History: 1. His catch to get Misbah out at the ICC T20 World Cup in 2007 and 2. Towels + No Balls + Cash LOL

Sreesanth trying to flex his non-existent muscles
Sreesanth trying to flex his non-existent muscles

After the BCCI Ban on Shanthakumaran Sreesanth, he’s ventured into showbiz. He was a participant in a famous dance reality show, where he lost to Irfan Pathan. Now, he has been cast in a Tollywood movie as the lead protagonist. To prepare for this role, Sreesanth has worked extremely hard and built quite some muscle at the cost of his male potency. He now boasts of being the proud owner of 6-pack-abs. Only if he worked this hard on his fitness during his cricketing years, he could have scaled great heights.

Anyway, Sreesanth is now roaming around the streets of Kerala shirtless to flaunt his six-pack-abs. He says he is known as the Salman Khan of his village in Kothamangalam. He is now the hottest boy in Kothamangalam out of the 29 otherboys in the area. He is using this new found fame to try and enter the Bigg Boss 10 house. We’ll update you on that front soon.

Cameraman Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.

Rohit and Rahane Shower Together #SameSoap

In the ongoing ODI match between India and New Zealand. Rohit Sharma and Ajinkya Rahane started well in India’s second innings chase for NZ’s 191. New Zealand had lost early wickets but a brisk partnership between Tim Southee and Tom Latham meant NZ had a respectable total to defend against a strong batting line up.

Both Rohit and Rahane started well and India had a healthy partnership going. Then, Rohit Sharma got out for 14 from 26 after hitting a 4 and a 6. Ajinkya Rahane also got out quickly after. Rahane scored 33 off 34 and was looking good with 2 sixes and 4 fours.

Now, with inside information, we know for sure, that the HPCA Stadium in Dharamsala has only 1 bathroom per dressing room. Being a relatively new ground the dressing room infrastructure is still not upto the international standard. Since, both Rohit and Rahane got out so quickly, they had to share the shower time. Rohit was already in the shower with soap on his face when Rahane creeped in with a smirk on his tiny skinny face.
Rohit Rahane

 

Both the boys are from Mumbai, and it certainly may not be the first time that they must have shared a bathroom. But showering together with the same soap while being married isn’t what the fans would’ve expected of the openers. We wish their wives all the best.

Cameraman, Kamil Yusuf k saath, Chandnawab, Indus News, Karachi.